Brink Of Insanity
by UnbiddenDemons
Summary: L has a self destructive strategy to keep his thoughts in line, can he keep this secret from Light? LxLight, warnings: self harm, slash, mentions of rape. *READ STORY FOR MORE WARNINGS*


DO NOT CONTINUE THIS STORY IF THE FOLLOWING WARNINGS BOTHER YOU

WARNINGS:

Self harm, self mutilation, cutting, slash, smut and mentions of rape.

Okay, if you have chosen to continue you are aware of the warnings. This is my first Death Note Fanfiction and I will admit the writing isn't very good and the characters are pretty out of character in most of it... **IF THE TEXT IS BETWEEN * THEN IT'S L's THOUGHTS, IF IT'S BETWEEN + IT'S LIGHT'S THOUGHTS**

 ***Apples* = L's thoughts**

 **+apples+ = Light's thoughts**

Superior intelligence is rather costly in my case. The borderline crazy act of slicing my own flesh open in order to keep my thoughts under control is a real inconvenience, but if some blood and scars is what it takes to solve this case then so be it. If this is what it takes to keep my memories at bay, then so be it.

I turn on the faucet of the shower so my long visit to the bathroom doesn't prompt any suspicion. The cool blade pinched between my index finger and thumb sends shivers down my spine, yet my skin burns red hot with anticipation. I slip off my white shirt and it falls to the tiles with a soft thump of fabric. My eyes gaze over my mutilated forearms. The sight is contradictory; so beautiful, despite the fact it disgusts me to my very core. Blood spills, nerves scream as the blade bites my flesh leaving a long, horizontal gash in it's wake. I tip my head back and close my eyes, a smile plays at my lips. I can feel my thoughts slowing down and sorting themselves into order. One more cut should do it... More blood blossoms and drips on to the floor, joining the crimson puddle at my feet.

I sigh deeply, for the time being my hunger for control has been satisfied. The clean up is an easy and familiar process; Place a cloth on my arm to stop the bleeding, wipe down the floor, wash my arm with antiseptic and apply bandaging. There's only a 3% chance of someone finding out my secret, and if that situation were to arise, L the genius could surely crawl his way out of it. I'm utter most confident of this.

~ DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN ~

"L, is this really necessary?" Light groaned as the handcuffs were clicked into place.

"I'm afraid so. Don't get me wrong, I'm about as happy as you are with this unfortunate situation," L hums with his thumb jammed in to his mouth. The nail was bitten raw out of sheer anxiety. His thoughts were a whirlwind and he found himself zoning out.

*I need it, now! How am I suppose to cut if I'm was chained to Light, but solving this case trumps my need to self harm but how can I control myself in order to solve the case without self harming? Ugh! I'm pathetic! I have pushed myself into an unavoidable disaster whether it be me loosing his mind, or the fact that the chances of being caught have now rose to 60% by none other than the suspected Kira. Stupid, stupid, stupid!*

"Sure, sure. I bet this is just an excuse to fulfil your pervert desires," Light scoffed and folded his arms across his chest.

*Pervert desires, was Light just teasing me or did he have legitimate suspicions regarding my sexuality?*

"Hey! Are you listening?" Light shouted.

" I guess you could say I'm passive listening. I can hear perfectly well what you're saying but I refuse to take notice as you are being extremely childish Kira. I am not taking off the handcuffs. It is vital to help solve this investigation," L sighed. His heart pounded a million miles an hour, he desperately needed to calm down.

*I will work this out. I can sneak a few cuts in the shower most likely, keep calm or you're going to blow it. Focus on your breathing. Breath In, one two three, and out. In, one two three, and out. *

"For the last time, I'm not Kira!" Light growled and his fist collided with L's cheek just as L's foot dove into Light's stomach, pinning him to the ground.

"So you have said. If you were Kira, which I'm pretty certain that you are, he wouldn't just admit to it, would he now? That leaves your protests rendered meaningless," L examined as he fought the urge to smirk.

"Hey guys cut it out! You have been handcuffed together not even five minutes and you're already fighting!" Matsuda shouted and rushed over, aiding Light to his feet. Light scowled at L who simply shrugged and averted his eyes in another direction.

"We will be leaving soon, can we trust you two not to murder each other when we're gone?" Mogi questioned, his quirked eyebrow ignited a small flame of anger and embarrassment inside of L. That little display was extremely immature which caused their co-workers to be entirely unimpressed.

"Very well, see you all tomorrow. I don't know about Light, but I can assure I won't be killing anybody," L stated with dull amusement. He looked over at Light who was shooting him daggers. The task force gathered their bags and made their way out, leaving Light and L alone. L perched on his chair, his knees drawn to his chest in his unusual seated fashion. Both men sat in silence, their eyes glued to their computer screens until it reached midnight.

"I need to use the bathroom, can you unlock the hand cuffs?" Light asked, it was more of a statement than a question. His voice was sticky with sleep deprivation and dark bags hung under his eyes. Out of pure stubbornness Light refused to admit he was tired.

"No, I will have to accompany you," L declared softly. Light's eyes widened to the size of saucepans. He was outraged.

"What?!" Light bellowed and jumped to his feet.

"Don't act so surprised. You should've already concluded this. I will not watch of course, I too need to have a shower," L hopped off his seat and dragged an annoyed Light behind him.

"I understand," Light grumbled.

Light grabbed a pair of red pajama pants and a white T-shirt whilst L got a pair of black sweat pants and a black long sleeved shirt before heading to the restroom. The door clicked shut behind them and L plopped on to the ground, facing the door. Light stripped naked and turned on the shower.

* _Hurry up Light!*_

After a tedious thirteen minutes and twenty two seconds, the water finally came to a halt. L heard the rustling of a towel and then Light gave the confirmation he wasn't naked anymore. L turned around and his throat went dry at the sight of Light just with a towel hanging loosely from his hips.

*Opposed to myself, Light is undeniably gorgeous. No wonder all the girls chase after him.*

Droplets of water glistened on his toned chest and outline of a six pack. L didn't miss the mischievous twinkle in Light's eyes, L quickly turned away and rose to his feet. It was completely obvious that he was checking Light out, but Light was acting as if he didn't notice.

*Am I really going to risk this when Light is just a few feet away? I have to. If I don't, I will surely go mad. Am I already mad? I'm cutting myself just to tame my jumble of thoughts, how can that not scream insanity?*

The detective discarded his clothes down to his boxers, he had attached a small pocket on the inside which contained a razor. He swiftly plucked it out and clenched it in his fist. His eyes darted to Light to make sure he wasn't looking, he was facing the other way and tapping his foot impatiently.

"Get a move on L," Light sighed. L took off his boxers and jumped into the shower, turning it as hot as it would go without burning his sensitive, pale skin. Just bellow the crook of his elbow he dug the corner of the razor into his skin and closed his eyes.

*Here it goes...*

He lifted the blade and swiped it down across his flesh. A small gasp escaped his lips and his eyes shot open.

*Dammit, I've gone too deep! The likely hood of Light finding out just increased to 90%!*

The large, gaping cut was bleeding profusely and he had definitely hit a major vein.

*How could I have been so careless? I know exactly where the skin is the thinnest, I know how to avoid veins and arteries. I know where I can and where I can not cut deep. I messed up, big time! *

"Moron!" L hissed and hit himself in the side of the head with his palm.

"Stop talking to yourself and get out," Light groaned. L didn't respond, the raven haired genius found his vision start to go blurry and fell to the shower floor, knocking the shelf down with him. All the bottles of shampoo and body wash cluttered to the ground. "L what's going on?" Light called, slightly alarmed. Once again, no response. The shower door swung open and Light was shocked at the sight before his very own eyes.

L was semi conscious on the shower floor, the water that swirled down the drain was a pale pink. A large, gaping wound was decorating his left forearm.

+What the hell? How did you manage that?+

Other scars caught his attention, some were white, some were purple and pink and others were still healing. It was an atrocious sight, looks like L had a fight with a blender or a very angry tyrannosaurusrus Rex. There was more scar tissue then skin.

+L… cuts himself?! I didn't see that one coming. +

Light dragged L's body out of the shower, trying to push aside that the man's naked body was stunning. He frantically wrapped a towel around L's arm. The towel quickly went from ghost white to pale red. He scooped up L's impossibly skinny body considering all the sweets he is constantly consuming. L groaned and his eyes fluttered open.

"W-what happened? Ngh.. Never mind," L groaned and tried to sit up.

*I'm so foolish. If Light tells the team, there is a very slim chance that they're going to continue to follow me in catching Kira. Watari is probably going to try and get me to take a break on the case, that's not going to happen. And if Light is Kira.. He will certainly try to use this against me. *

Light gently grasped L's shoulders and pushed him down. "No, sit," he whispered. L dared to lift his onyx eyes and they met with Light's dark honey ones. L saw the fleeting emotion of, concern?

*Is this just an act or does he actually care? He could kill me at any second, I'm weak and vulnerable, but I can't call for help.*

L complied and leant against the wall, watching Light like a hawk. Light rummaged under the sink until he pulled a first aid kit. A first aid kit that L had modified especially for times like these. Light clicked open the box and pulled out a needle.

"Just as I suspected, you already have all the necessary equipment if you went too deep. I use to know a girl in my class who cut herself, I thought it was for attention but for a guy like you to do it… there has to be an ulterior motive. Why did you do it?" Light rambled on and L rolled his eyes and stayed silent. Light huffed. "Silent treatment. And you call me childish. So you have a choice, let me stitch it or call an ambulance," informed Light, not really giving L much of a choice.

"I can do it," L croaked and motioned for the needle. Light shook his head.

"Ambulance it is then. Come on, thanks to these chains I will have to take you with me to a phone. You're going to bleed out soon enough -"

"Wait, you stitch it. If anymore harm comes to me, you will be held accountable," L submitted and held intense eye contact with Light; his dark eyes were untrusting and cold. Light unwrapped the soiled towel and revealed the ghastly wound. L jolted as Light cleaned it off with an alcohol swap.

"Don't be a baby. I thought you liked pain," Light began to stitch the wound whilst ignoring L's winces and sharp intakes of breath. "Why did you do it?" Light repeated, not lifting his eyes. L didn't reply and stared off into the distance, void of emotion. "Was it for attention? Or are you just crazy?" This peaked L's attention and his eyes darted to Light.

"Self harm is more common than you think, Light. People do it for a wide range of reasons," L spat.

"So that takes us back to my original question, why did you do it?"

"It helps me stay in control. I don't expect you to understand," L sighed as Light finished bandaging his arm.

"You're right. I don't understand... All done," Light exclaimed and pushed himself to his feet and packed the first aid kit away. Light offered a hand to L and he shook his head. He cautiously got up and he grabbed the sink for balance as everything started to sway. Light rushed to his side, placing his hands on his back.

"I'm fine," L snapped. L blushed bright red when he realised he was still naked. He snatched his pants and quickly put them on. Light chuckled.

"I preferred you without them," Light teased. L's jaw dropped in shock.

* Is he flirting with me? He's straight and as dumb as she may be he has Misa. *

The suspected murderer clasped his arm gently around L's bicep, which too was covered in scars, and led him to L's bedroom.

"It's quite plain, don't you think?" Light commented and turned around on the spot, scanning the room.

"Sorry, Light. I have just being a little busy lately trying to capture a serial killer, no big deal. I will certainly find some time to decorate my room now that you have expressed your opinion," L said sarcastically and plopped onto the double bed, hiding his face in the pillows. The bed was the only piece of furniture in the room except for a small armchair wedged in the corner next to a walk in wardrobe. Light smirked and crawled on to the bed next to L and began to trace a finger down his boney spine. "What are you doing?" Light pulled L in for a kiss. His eyes almost popped out of his skull.

+Mm.. His lips taste like strawberry shortcake, not surprising.+

*WHAT THE HELL WHY IS LIGHT KISSING ME? But it feels so good…*

Light pulled away and L stared at him with disbelief. "I really wish you wouldn't hurt yourself. You're so beautiful," Light breathed. "I've seen the way you look at me L, I know you want this just as much as I do," Light smiled and pulled L in for another pasionate kiss. It felt like a competition, a duel and the weapon of choice was their tongues. Both L and Light always had to try and dominate each other, and this was no different. Light grabbed L's crotch and L froze. "L, are you okay?"

***The five year old little boy pleaded and screamed, "No Daddy! Please not again!" He blubbered. John Lawliet growled and slapped the boy.

"Shut up you stupid boy!" He yelled and grabbed him by the throat. The boy chocked against the hold and when his father finally let go, he dropped to the ground. Tears stained his cheeks and his naked body shook with fear. "Bend over!" John growled. A sadistic smile spread across the elder man's face as the boy followed his order. He slammed into the sobbing child, causing him to scream until his throat was hoarse. Blood leaked down the child's thighs. John finally finished and ceased the boy by his hair, chucking him like a rag doll into the tiny closet and slammed it shut. ***

L shuddered and dispelled the memories. "I'm fine," he murmured and slipped his slender fingers under Light's shirt and up to his chest, with all his might he proceeded to flip Light over and straddle his waist. "Easy tiger," Light laughed. L didn't care. His life was too dark, he needed Light.

Light pulled off his shirt and L kissed down his chest and pulled off his pants. Light's nine inch boner sprung free and L took the head between his lips and licked off the pre cum. "You're so beautiful," Light moaned. L pulled off his own pants and hissed in pain. Light looked up concerned. "Maybe we should stop just in case you rip your stitches?"

"I don't care," L took Light's rock hard cock back into his mouth. He licked the tip and slowly inched it into the back of his throat whilst his fingers were wrapped around the base. Light grabbed a fist full of L's raven black hair and forced his head up and down on his dick. He sucked for a while before it left his mouth with a pop. "No, please," Light whimpered. L smirked and breathed a laugh.

"Looks like I'm the one in control," said L with triumph. Light's eyes narrowed and he shot up.

"Like hell," he growled and grabbed L's eight inch penis and started to slowly jerk him off. L tried to hold himself together but he melted into Light's hand.

"Top draw," L moaned and pointed to the small dressing table that Light had missed before. He leant back and pulled out a bottle of lube. Light was slightly surprised but shrugged it off.

"Bend over," Light demanded. L cringed and fought the dam that threatened to break down and flood his brain with the bad memories. He took a deep, shaky breath.

"No," L said.

"What do you mean no?" Light asked in confusion.

"I want to see your face," L said with a small smile.

Light smiled and nodded. L wound his legs around Light's waist as he lathered his cock with the lube and lined it up with L's entrance. He slowly slipped it in, L held onto the bed sheets and screwed up his face; It hurt but it felt amazing. "Oh baby," Light gasped as he started to rock his hips back and forth. L moaned every time Light hit his prostate. Everything seemed to fade away, all that mattered to L was getting closer to Light. His father and the self harm were just a whisper on the wind. He was happy.

L and Light both finished at the same time and collapsed into the bed. The detective stared into Light's amber eyes.

*Do I actually like Light, or is it platonic? It has to be platonic. Light is an attractive men. Scrap that, he is a God. Now that's ironic, especially if he is Kira. How could there not be some sexual tension between us, considering we're literally chained together. It's all platonic. *

"Why did you call my beautiful?" L blurted out. Light laughed and looked at L.

"Wait, you're serious? How can you not see it L? You might be a little scrawny, but to me you're stunning. Even your scars, but please don't hurt yourself anymore? Find something else that will help, this can't be the only solution," Light said as he ran his hands up and down L's mutilated arms. L gulped and nodded.

"Goodnight Light."

"Goodnight L."

~ DNDNDNNDNDNDNDND ~

A yell ripped from L's throat and he jumped from his nightmare. Sweat beaded on his naked body and he ran his shaking fingers through his hair. "L, are you okay?" Light mumbled and propped himself up on his elbow. A small tear escaped the corner of L's eye.

+I never thought I would see the Legendary Detective L cry+

"What's wrong?" Light asked with concern, wiping away the tear with the pad of his thumb.

"Nothing. Just bad memories," L whispered and held onto L's arm.

"Is it to do with your father? I'm sorry, I got carried away -"

"How did you know about that?!" L cried out and turned around to look at Light. Light blushed a little and scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

"I heard you talking in your sleep last, you were having a night terror I think. I read not to wake people up if they're having a night terror and you calmed down pretty quickly. Is it true?" Light asked nervously. L nodded.

"Yes, my father raped me. It's in the past. I'm not afraid anymore," L murmered and nestled into Light's chest. "I'm happy that we did that, I'm even happier being in your arms right now," L smiled. Light breathed out a chuckle and snuggled into L.

*How could this intelligent, sweet, awkward boy be Kira?*

THE END

So there you have it.. Please leave a review. At this stage I'm leaving it as a one shot but if you wish for me to write another couple of chapters, I'll consider it. Thanks for reading c:


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